Hellos and goodbyes

Had my last event for work last night. It went swimmingly, and one of the speakers even mentioned how i had been really flexible and went the extra mile when talking about a client that she helped. That kind of helped to close the night off on a positive note.

I leave with very mixed feelings. Happy at what i've accomplished, but sad at leaving a group of great colleagues behind. So that's a good thing right?

Change is always difficult.

What did i do well in the past 2 years? I've worked hard to become a better leader and better boss, to know my people better. That was a promise i made myself coming into this job, and that's a promise i think i kept. I assume the best of people, and treat them with the dignity and respect that they deserve. Hence, i leave with respect and a reputation for having done a good job, despite resigning. Most importantly, I leave a good strong team behind to carry on the good work of the department.

What could i have done better? I need to be faster in general, and firmer about making tough ones. I need to start assigning timelines so accountability is clearer and things get done faster.

The last 2 years have been an incredible journey. Here's to the next stage!

Ajantis is taking off.....

Hello!

Hello. I am a 29 year old Singaporean. Chinese, non-descript, geeky. You know, typical Raffles boy who's into computer and video games and all things geek. A bit banana, but otherwise prototypically Singaporean.

Hello, my name is Alex. I am Singaporean and i am gay. My husband and I have been dating for 8 years, married for 2.5 years. We got registered in Vancouver, Canada, but are still dating long-distance. We want to raise kids, but not here, where the government is still unwilling, and will probably be unwilling to be supportive for quite a while longer.

Why did i finally decide to say it on this blog? Well, i've been thinking about it for a while. Coming back here was almost like coming out all over again. I had to consider that people might not be as supportive, and that i was working in some sensitive government positions. As i came out to selected swing friends, then to some colleagues, i became more comfortable with myself. Now, i'm at the point where i probably won't deny it if someone asks me. But i still don't see myself becoming some kind of gay activist.

So what was the final push? I guess it was seeing the government's decision to rework the Penal Code, to remove the prohibition against oral/anal sex between heterosexual couples but keep it for homosexual couples, hence explicitly criminalising gay sex. All because "society won't tolerate it". It raises interesting questions, such as the role of government in society, whether it is a mere mirror or an advocate of social values. But that's a debate for another day. All i can say is that it leaves me feeling marginalised. I am a gay Singaporean. My sexuality is not all of me, but it is part of me. You can't have one without the other. I want to stay here, but i probably won't over the longer term. And i can't, don't want to stay that silent anymore. Hence, this post.

Ok that's enough venting from me. here's a link to cheer us all up. I think it's awesome that Dr. Khoo set something up like this. Society needs more groups like SAFE Singapore. Civic society is currently over-dominated by groups like Focus on the Family and other pro-family but anti-gay groups.

Ajantis is now going to continue working on his computer....

Woo hoo! Hoo woo....

Marathon done in ... 5 hr 16 min, despite presence of slight runny nose, and flu (now feeling effects of that)

Glad to have done it, glad to have it over with, now i just gotta deal with the sore knees, ankles and the chafing. Oh god the chafing. I was waddling like a duck when having lunch with the gang.

The marathon was an interesting experience. It was overcast (thank god) with slight drizzles, and there were interesting sights along the way. People had tags on from adidas that stated their reason for running, ranging from the inspirational (Pain is temporary, Pride is everything) to the humorous (because my Wife made me do it) to the slightly cocky/funny (Cos i run slow but i'm still ahead of you)....

There were quite a few guys/girls who cramped up or were injured. I felt particularly bad for those who couldn't move any more at the 39km mark, but also glad that it wasn't me.

Unfortunately, the gang got stuck on the darn Runspiration bus, but i'm really glad that all of you made it down. Thanks again! It meant a lot to me :)

So now the marathon is over. I might not do it again, but i'm glad to have done it. It takes too much time to prepare for a marathon, especially since i'm not especially built for long distance running. However, running the half marathon in under 2 hours is a completely different matter :)

This marathon marks the end to a very good year...

Ajantis is tired, but contented....

Impending... somthing

Two (maybe three) things to blog about today.

The marathon is tomorrow! Getting kinda hyped about it. Would be more hyped if i didn't have this slight flu! Told Oats that i would probably still run tomorrow, but might be a little bit slower. Desperately hoping this flu is better by tomorrow.

Am glad that friends are coming down to see me at the finish line, and also to take the runspiration tour!!!! Yay :) Thanks... it means a lot to me.

The funny thing is i caught the flu from the person who was briefing me on my training plan for next year. It is VERY PACKED, but it also makes clear that they are investing a lot of time, energy and money on me. Like i told selena though, i foresee a tough decision coming 4-5 years down the road. We still want to have kids, and i wouldn't want to go to a country which wouldn't accept the relationship that i have with H, or allow us to raise kids.

Had my work plan retreat with the team yesterday. Wanted to give a short closing/farewell speech since it was probably my last chance to see all of them together. However, i did not expect to tear up while talking. While it was a little bit embarrassing, it was also an affirmation of the memories and good times that i have had in this job, and it was also touching to see some of the team tearing up as well.

Transitions, transitions. I guess it's time for one stage to end and another to begin!

Ajantis is drinking lotsa water...

Sitting here staring at my screen

i just planned out my leave for the rest of the year. 18 days of leave to use up.

It effectively means that i'm off from Dec 16. but it also makes me more aware that i'm slowly slipping out of the loop, closing off my projects, marking a new phase in my life.

you know that time when the leaves start falling in late autumn but the first snowflake has yet to fall? that time between seasons when it seems like one breath could tip one season over into the next? that hushed moment you feel just before your life is about to change tremendously? that's what it feels like right now.

it's been a challenge to keep myself motivated, but now that i can see the end in sight, it's clearer what i have to hand over. i need to keep telling myself that i can't finish up everything, that the focus should be to hand over properly so that people can take over. and maybe if i keep telling myself that, i won't feel so guilty.

I know i will have to work far harder than i do right now. The training plan is 18 months long, for goodness sake (and i'll find out what it involves next week). Can i live up to the new job? I don't know. But at least i will have tried.

Ajantis is seizing the day...

Trips galore!

The wedding was beautiful, i got to see my friends, ran 36km, enjoyed the time with H, had one big fight with H, made up, talked about our future plans, ate lots of terribly sinful food. That kind of sums up the trip in a nutshell.

Wedding :
It was my first time at a Catholic wedding, and i ended up contrasting it against my sister-in-law's wedding in July. At this Catholic wedding, a lot of the folks attending were already practicing Catholics, or they had been brought up in a Catholic environment. The emphasis was much more on the rituals and ceremonies. So while i felt kinda excluded, i also understood why. This was quite different from my sister-in-law's wedding, where much of the audience were not Jewish, so the Rabbi took great pains to explain the meaning behind each part of the ceremony.

H sang/cantored the entire wedding. I always enjoy H 's singing.

My friend M was the bride, and she looked radiant. I'm so so happy for her. She's one of my closest friends from college, and she is such a warm, mature and loving person who throughly deserves and is completely deserving of the person that she will now spend the rest of her life with. The fact that she chose to marry someone with just a high school education has also helped me to accept H's decision not to pursue a college degree.

36 Km run :
Had to walk the last 500m, but i pulled it off in 4 hours! The colder weather helped, but running uphill for part of the route was a bitch and a half. Didn't carbo load enough, so i went into mild hypothermic shock after stepping out of the shower. I shivered so badly i got two bad abdominal cramps, and would get cramps if i moved a muscle wrong. Not fun. But still, i think i'm finally ready to take on the marathon...

Time with friends :

Got to see Gimble, which was nice, but i don't think i'll be going back to see them after the 10th anniversary concert next year. Too much time since i was last in the group (6 years!)

Got to hang out with T in Columbus. Had a good time, and got to dance twice. The dance scene in Columbus is quite amazing, and i won't complain about aerials anymore after seeing that 60-something couple do the handstand rollup and 12-midnight! And yes, I must officially say that Columbus is not HICKTOWN, but perhaps it is still.... icktown ;)

H time :
It was good to spend time with H. Every time we reunite, i can feel the tension drifting away. We did get into one huge fight though, but we were able to resolve it, and some issues were surfaced that needed to be surfaced. I think it made me aware once again that a relationship always needs work even if it had an extremely strong foundation. Conclusion? I need to listen more, and we both need to work at finding activities that we both enjoy (cooking - me eating and cleaning, H cooking, card games, taking long walks in parks, movies, eating out, concerts, doing the hokey pokey ;), etc etc).

So that's why we probably won't go to Vietnam but just take a short trip somewhere to Bali or Malaysia, so we can spend a bit more time catching up and hanging out in Singapore.

We also talked a bit more about our plan for the next few years too. Basically, if things work out with my job, H will move here and we will stay here for 3-5 years. Now the trick is how to get H here....

Terribly sinful food. sinful. lotsa meat, potatoes, gravy. and sausages! oh my god, the sausages. and the chai. I think i had about 30 cups of chai in 2 weeks :P

Oh well, that's what holidays are for!

Other random things :

I can't believe GST is going up to 7%!!!! Ack!
Still shopping for a new car. It's now down to the Suzuki Swift, the Nissan March and the Honda Jazz. Also went driving while in the US. I'm not looking forward to cramming my way through crowded Singapore streets.
Marathon in 2.5 weeks!

Ajantis is still jet-lagged....