Chiang Mai Choo choo

Been riding about on a motorbike in Chiang Mai for the past few days. Kinda exhilirating, but also kinda scary. Having a car whiz right by you at 40km/hr is not all that good for your nerves.

My friend has been showing me around, and as a result i've managed to see some places that are a little out of the way, non-touristy, and quite different :)

Will post more about it later, but for now, a summary :

3 thai massages (at 10 bucks for 2 hours!)
8 good meals
2 cheap ties
700 bucks worth of shirts,pants and suit
5 days catching up with a friend
1 wat (temple)
5 days of amazing weather (20 degrees celsius = BEST!)

ok. talk more later. time to enjoy this last night in chiang mai

Ajantis is going to collect his suit....

Hellos and goodbyes

Had my last event for work last night. It went swimmingly, and one of the speakers even mentioned how i had been really flexible and went the extra mile when talking about a client that she helped. That kind of helped to close the night off on a positive note.

I leave with very mixed feelings. Happy at what i've accomplished, but sad at leaving a group of great colleagues behind. So that's a good thing right?

Change is always difficult.

What did i do well in the past 2 years? I've worked hard to become a better leader and better boss, to know my people better. That was a promise i made myself coming into this job, and that's a promise i think i kept. I assume the best of people, and treat them with the dignity and respect that they deserve. Hence, i leave with respect and a reputation for having done a good job, despite resigning. Most importantly, I leave a good strong team behind to carry on the good work of the department.

What could i have done better? I need to be faster in general, and firmer about making tough ones. I need to start assigning timelines so accountability is clearer and things get done faster.

The last 2 years have been an incredible journey. Here's to the next stage!

Ajantis is taking off.....

Hello!

Hello. I am a 29 year old Singaporean. Chinese, non-descript, geeky. You know, typical Raffles boy who's into computer and video games and all things geek. A bit banana, but otherwise prototypically Singaporean.

Hello, my name is Alex. I am Singaporean and i am gay. My husband and I have been dating for 8 years, married for 2.5 years. We got registered in Vancouver, Canada, but are still dating long-distance. We want to raise kids, but not here, where the government is still unwilling, and will probably be unwilling to be supportive for quite a while longer.

Why did i finally decide to say it on this blog? Well, i've been thinking about it for a while. Coming back here was almost like coming out all over again. I had to consider that people might not be as supportive, and that i was working in some sensitive government positions. As i came out to selected swing friends, then to some colleagues, i became more comfortable with myself. Now, i'm at the point where i probably won't deny it if someone asks me. But i still don't see myself becoming some kind of gay activist.

So what was the final push? I guess it was seeing the government's decision to rework the Penal Code, to remove the prohibition against oral/anal sex between heterosexual couples but keep it for homosexual couples, hence explicitly criminalising gay sex. All because "society won't tolerate it". It raises interesting questions, such as the role of government in society, whether it is a mere mirror or an advocate of social values. But that's a debate for another day. All i can say is that it leaves me feeling marginalised. I am a gay Singaporean. My sexuality is not all of me, but it is part of me. You can't have one without the other. I want to stay here, but i probably won't over the longer term. And i can't, don't want to stay that silent anymore. Hence, this post.

Ok that's enough venting from me. here's a link to cheer us all up. I think it's awesome that Dr. Khoo set something up like this. Society needs more groups like SAFE Singapore. Civic society is currently over-dominated by groups like Focus on the Family and other pro-family but anti-gay groups.

Ajantis is now going to continue working on his computer....

Woo hoo! Hoo woo....

Marathon done in ... 5 hr 16 min, despite presence of slight runny nose, and flu (now feeling effects of that)

Glad to have done it, glad to have it over with, now i just gotta deal with the sore knees, ankles and the chafing. Oh god the chafing. I was waddling like a duck when having lunch with the gang.

The marathon was an interesting experience. It was overcast (thank god) with slight drizzles, and there were interesting sights along the way. People had tags on from adidas that stated their reason for running, ranging from the inspirational (Pain is temporary, Pride is everything) to the humorous (because my Wife made me do it) to the slightly cocky/funny (Cos i run slow but i'm still ahead of you)....

There were quite a few guys/girls who cramped up or were injured. I felt particularly bad for those who couldn't move any more at the 39km mark, but also glad that it wasn't me.

Unfortunately, the gang got stuck on the darn Runspiration bus, but i'm really glad that all of you made it down. Thanks again! It meant a lot to me :)

So now the marathon is over. I might not do it again, but i'm glad to have done it. It takes too much time to prepare for a marathon, especially since i'm not especially built for long distance running. However, running the half marathon in under 2 hours is a completely different matter :)

This marathon marks the end to a very good year...

Ajantis is tired, but contented....

Impending... somthing

Two (maybe three) things to blog about today.

The marathon is tomorrow! Getting kinda hyped about it. Would be more hyped if i didn't have this slight flu! Told Oats that i would probably still run tomorrow, but might be a little bit slower. Desperately hoping this flu is better by tomorrow.

Am glad that friends are coming down to see me at the finish line, and also to take the runspiration tour!!!! Yay :) Thanks... it means a lot to me.

The funny thing is i caught the flu from the person who was briefing me on my training plan for next year. It is VERY PACKED, but it also makes clear that they are investing a lot of time, energy and money on me. Like i told selena though, i foresee a tough decision coming 4-5 years down the road. We still want to have kids, and i wouldn't want to go to a country which wouldn't accept the relationship that i have with H, or allow us to raise kids.

Had my work plan retreat with the team yesterday. Wanted to give a short closing/farewell speech since it was probably my last chance to see all of them together. However, i did not expect to tear up while talking. While it was a little bit embarrassing, it was also an affirmation of the memories and good times that i have had in this job, and it was also touching to see some of the team tearing up as well.

Transitions, transitions. I guess it's time for one stage to end and another to begin!

Ajantis is drinking lotsa water...

Sitting here staring at my screen

i just planned out my leave for the rest of the year. 18 days of leave to use up.

It effectively means that i'm off from Dec 16. but it also makes me more aware that i'm slowly slipping out of the loop, closing off my projects, marking a new phase in my life.

you know that time when the leaves start falling in late autumn but the first snowflake has yet to fall? that time between seasons when it seems like one breath could tip one season over into the next? that hushed moment you feel just before your life is about to change tremendously? that's what it feels like right now.

it's been a challenge to keep myself motivated, but now that i can see the end in sight, it's clearer what i have to hand over. i need to keep telling myself that i can't finish up everything, that the focus should be to hand over properly so that people can take over. and maybe if i keep telling myself that, i won't feel so guilty.

I know i will have to work far harder than i do right now. The training plan is 18 months long, for goodness sake (and i'll find out what it involves next week). Can i live up to the new job? I don't know. But at least i will have tried.

Ajantis is seizing the day...

Trips galore!

The wedding was beautiful, i got to see my friends, ran 36km, enjoyed the time with H, had one big fight with H, made up, talked about our future plans, ate lots of terribly sinful food. That kind of sums up the trip in a nutshell.

Wedding :
It was my first time at a Catholic wedding, and i ended up contrasting it against my sister-in-law's wedding in July. At this Catholic wedding, a lot of the folks attending were already practicing Catholics, or they had been brought up in a Catholic environment. The emphasis was much more on the rituals and ceremonies. So while i felt kinda excluded, i also understood why. This was quite different from my sister-in-law's wedding, where much of the audience were not Jewish, so the Rabbi took great pains to explain the meaning behind each part of the ceremony.

H sang/cantored the entire wedding. I always enjoy H 's singing.

My friend M was the bride, and she looked radiant. I'm so so happy for her. She's one of my closest friends from college, and she is such a warm, mature and loving person who throughly deserves and is completely deserving of the person that she will now spend the rest of her life with. The fact that she chose to marry someone with just a high school education has also helped me to accept H's decision not to pursue a college degree.

36 Km run :
Had to walk the last 500m, but i pulled it off in 4 hours! The colder weather helped, but running uphill for part of the route was a bitch and a half. Didn't carbo load enough, so i went into mild hypothermic shock after stepping out of the shower. I shivered so badly i got two bad abdominal cramps, and would get cramps if i moved a muscle wrong. Not fun. But still, i think i'm finally ready to take on the marathon...

Time with friends :

Got to see Gimble, which was nice, but i don't think i'll be going back to see them after the 10th anniversary concert next year. Too much time since i was last in the group (6 years!)

Got to hang out with T in Columbus. Had a good time, and got to dance twice. The dance scene in Columbus is quite amazing, and i won't complain about aerials anymore after seeing that 60-something couple do the handstand rollup and 12-midnight! And yes, I must officially say that Columbus is not HICKTOWN, but perhaps it is still.... icktown ;)

H time :
It was good to spend time with H. Every time we reunite, i can feel the tension drifting away. We did get into one huge fight though, but we were able to resolve it, and some issues were surfaced that needed to be surfaced. I think it made me aware once again that a relationship always needs work even if it had an extremely strong foundation. Conclusion? I need to listen more, and we both need to work at finding activities that we both enjoy (cooking - me eating and cleaning, H cooking, card games, taking long walks in parks, movies, eating out, concerts, doing the hokey pokey ;), etc etc).

So that's why we probably won't go to Vietnam but just take a short trip somewhere to Bali or Malaysia, so we can spend a bit more time catching up and hanging out in Singapore.

We also talked a bit more about our plan for the next few years too. Basically, if things work out with my job, H will move here and we will stay here for 3-5 years. Now the trick is how to get H here....

Terribly sinful food. sinful. lotsa meat, potatoes, gravy. and sausages! oh my god, the sausages. and the chai. I think i had about 30 cups of chai in 2 weeks :P

Oh well, that's what holidays are for!

Other random things :

I can't believe GST is going up to 7%!!!! Ack!
Still shopping for a new car. It's now down to the Suzuki Swift, the Nissan March and the Honda Jazz. Also went driving while in the US. I'm not looking forward to cramming my way through crowded Singapore streets.
Marathon in 2.5 weeks!

Ajantis is still jet-lagged....

Blogging my heart out

Went on a car rally last thursday. Got a terrible henna tattoo, ran all over a coloseum (is that how it's spelt?), went to Singapore Discovery Centre for the first time. All in good fun.

That was followed by a late-night session at G's, full of mahjong and beer, with a group of good friends. Oats and G and L found out probably far too much about sex from me (which is perhaps why L was hiding in the corner), but another night of good fun. We'll make it through more than one round of Mahjong next time!

Hung out with E on Sat, which was fun, even if i couldn't contribute any worthwhile opinions about bathroom fixtures :P

So all in all, a good week where i caught up with friends.

H said something interesting the other day when i was lamenting about not really having any work friends - "that's cos u have work friends, not friends at work. close friends are hard to come by". And that's so true.

Last long run this coming Wednesday. Gotta do it! 35km baby! then it's off to see H, and spend some time with Trimalchio, who gives new meaning to the term, the O in Ohio ;)

All right, that's enough crap out of me today.

Ajantis is crapping away....

Tomorrow is yet another day

More random thoughts.

Going to tell my team tomorrow that i'm leaving. Not sure what the reaction will be. Yet another step in the process of handing over and tossing aside the mental baggage.

Had some good chats recently with some classmates, as well as some good conversations with overseas friends. Helps me feel a lot better about the whole social situation. Thanks gals!

Did i mention that H and I will be going to Vietnam? I've always wanted to visit, but since we'll only have a week, it's a choice between Hanoi or Ho Chi Minh City. What would you recommend? I am also definitely getting some suits tailored...

On the car front, we have it narrowed down to the following choices. Suzuki Swift, Honda Jazz, Nissan March and Kia Rio. Now i just have to test drive all four of them.

Finally, i realised that one of the things i treasure about our relationship is that H also has an immense curiosity about stuff going on in the world. So we might end up talking about Zingermans' business model, or about Starbucks, or about how Walmart really is the evil empire, or about Chinese automakers. Now if we could only just arrange to be on the same side of the world at the same time ....

Ajantis is wandering....

My brain is a potpourri

Run log this week :
- Mon : 10km
- Wed : 19.2km (due to aborted long run)
- Sun : 34.3km

I finally feel ready for the marathon.

Today's run was particularly interesting. When you're running such long distances, any change in scenery is a good thing. So you end up people-watching. The couples who canoodle on the benches (and probably think that i'm crazy as they see me run past them for the umpteenth time), the lady who appears to be picking up cans or trash from the grass and has two full bags of cans/trash by the time i finish running, the other late-night runners.

And you also realise that your body begins to fall into a routine. Around the 12th kilometre, my stomach ALWAYS begins to growl, no matter how much i've carbo-loaded (and yes, this is despite the 5 mango puddings for those were at dim sum yesterday). Around the 15th to 16th kilometer, my knees and ankles begin to complain. Today had a new variation though. Bloated stomach around the 25th kilometre. Once again, i blame it on those mango puddings (my bane!). Or maybe the oodles of evaporated milk that i poured on them...

I also realised why i liked running so much. To me, running is a matter of mental willpower. And everything in running, to me, is within your control. It's a simple step of putting one foot in front of the other. As Fish said, i'm a planner!

So anyway, long story short, it looks like everything will be in place for the marathon in December. And dear friends, i was wondering if some of you might be cool with coming in to see me at the finish line, and to go for brunch/lunch after that :) I will be dropping some of you messages in the coming days.

Ajantis sends his love and hugs while icing sore knees....

Ideas ideas ideas

E made an interesting comment over MSN last night.

"You like to talk about ideas"

And that's quite true. I like learning new stuff. Why Venture Capital companies require new start-ups to be within 20 minutes of their office, why Starbucks was promoting Akeelah and the Bee, what the Democrats are thinking as they prepare for the 7 Nov elections in the US, why Chinese car manufacturers can't quite export their cars to the world market yet, how Steve Wynn ripped a hole in his 100 mil plus Picasso, how the CEO of the Disney Channel is managing to score all these big successes, like the High School Musical, how parents cope with children who have mental disorders, the tribulations of homeless people in the US, how Dr. Yunus set up Grameen Bank and pioneered micro-financing.

All of these are interesting and endlessly fascinating to me, these broader vistas of the human condition representing facets of the world around us.

Reminds me of what my JC teacher wrote on my testimonial : "A is so intent on self-improvement". Haha. I need to take myself less seriously sometimes, i guess.

Ajantis is still learning...

Twinkle twinkle little star

Wonderful night with friends and good music. Dancing the blues away. Finding out more about what was going on in the lives of people that i care about.

I wish i could talk more about stuff going on in the world today. But i have to recognise that not everyone in the world is into Frank Gehry and his latest proposed design for the Sentosa Integrated Resort. And that's ok. People have different interests, different views, different takes on life. That's what makes them so fun to hang out with.

Ajantis needs to hide his buttons so that they do not get pushed...

Temples, trains and other assorted things...

Been feeling kinda morose lately about my social life lately. Guess it's because a lot of the lindy crowd is busier nowadays, or out of the country. So it's become clearer to me that a lot of my non-work friends are also fellow lindy hoppers.

Maybe it's also that i don't have anyone to talk to as much about work, or about being in a long distance relationship. And maybe it's also that this whole new job thing now makes it tough for us to figure out when we can be together again.

Or maybe it's because i've kinda been so caught up with running that i haven't had time to really be social outside of lindy. Or maybe that i would like to talk to non-work people about work, or maybe that a lot of my classmates are all married with kids and have their own lives now. And maybe it's because i can't find anyone to go to Bangkok with me (but quite short notice also lah)

Whatever it is, it's bleh (if that is a word). I need to get out there, expand my social circle beyond lindy, find another interest group, and be better about catching up with old friends.

And maybe, this will all resolve itself when i get too darn busy with my new job!

On a separate note, 2 weeks till the US! Can't wait... even if it's gonna be quite cold (i hope i don't break out in hives again!). And after that, perhaps a trip to Vietnam!

Ajantis is gonna give himself a good right kick in the behind...

Vague recollections in obscuris memoris

Ran 32km this past week. Feel a lot more assured now about running the marathon even if i waddled like a duck for a few days.

3 more weeks to vacationing in the US with H! Although it is apparently unseasonably cold over there..

People have been finding out about my impending resignation. The reactions have generally been very positive, with a dash of surprise. I guess people/friends have always seen me as someone passionate about public sector work and someone who is unlikely to leave the government. There's a first time for everything i guess. The tough part now is forcing myself to handover the projects in the next 3 months and not succumbing to the temptation to move into cruise control mode.

Become addicted to Dilbert books recently. Managed to read every single comic collection in the past month while ignoring the other "cheem" books that i borrowed :P

And yes, i despise the haze as much as the rest of you.

Ajantis is hating the haze...

Feelings of resignation

I didn't know what to feel as i typed out my resignation letter today.

Relief that this entire episode was playing out to its conclusion
Excitement at the opportunities ahead of me
Some worry/doubt over whether i could take on this new challenge
Guilt at leaving the current team and the team i was going to work with behind

And possibly, some awkwardness as i realised that i had never written a resignation letter before. Bizarre.

Part of me is looking forward to people congratulating me, and the other part recoils over the fact that i'm looking forward to it.

Life is full of surprises sometimes.

Ajantis has now made his choice, and is sticking to it....

Who would've thunk it?

So all the cards are on the table. The process has been, quite simply, magical so far. The people i've met are all passionate about the business, and all team-centred. The boss has been upfront, transparent, and forthright with me. I didn't quite know how to react when he told me to counter-propose a salary i was comfortable with, and not just accept the offer in front of me.

I got different pieces of advice from different friends (thanks everyone), but in the end, i decided that i would make an offer that was fair to both me and the company. And remarkably, my offer was accepted without any real hassle. Politic-free. How refreshing. That's gonna take me a while to get used to. Part of me wonders if i should have asked for more, but it's time to move past the numbers (which are quite impressive) and look at the opportunity in front of me.

So now it's just a matter of seeing the formal letter of offer. The job scope is intimidating, no doubt. But think of how much I could learn!

Ajantis will not be a civil servant for much longer....

Random movies and sensitive thoughts

Scary movie - Jesus Camp

Cool movie - 49 Up

Tried to run my long run today, but just didn't have the mental stamina today. It's all right, i figure i'll try again on Wednesday.

Went to the library today and got around to borrowing some books on management and leadership. I've resolved to spend more time learning about areas relevant to both my personal life and work. Some of the key areas i want to read up on :

1) Management/leadership (and all related aspects)
2) Knowledge management
3) Team learning
4) Change management
5) Budgeting and accounts (ugh)

Part of me wants to blog about how frustrating life can be in Singapore but i can't seem to put my finger on what to write about. I wrote about how Singapore Dreaming resonated with me when i watched it a few weeks ago. Perhaps it's the sense of frustrated potential and opportunities in the movie that i feel when i think about life in Singapore. I like a lot about life here. The safety, the predictability, the meritocracy. But it often feels like there is no time to stop and smell the roses, to take alternative paths and the path less trodden. The risk of expressing oneself in "unsafe" ways makes it so much easier to take the normal path and swallow the conventional wisdom. The government can engage religious groups and other segments of society as part of its consultation process, but it refuses to engage the GLBT Singaporeans, because doing so would mean recognising it as a segment of society, an action too politically sensitive with too little economic upsides for the government to consider. Yes, one of the key strengths of the Singaopre government is its ability to mobilise and act with uncanny swiftness and coherence, and much of that strength is predicated on the fact that it does not need to deal with too many dissenting voices. Me? I prefer a little messiness in my life. I would rather trade some tideness for the mental freedom to consider alternative lifestyles, alternative choices, alternative voices.

I once read a political science text about American politics. Something in that text really stuck with me. It defined power as 3 levels. The first level of power is about deciding between items on the agenda. The second level of power comes when you get to decide what gets on the agenda. And the third level of power happesn when you can even define the problems/items that could get on the agenda.

It strikes me that the Singapore government has in effect achieved the 3rd level of power. It has control over what gets on the agenda. Nothing wrong with that, if that's how you want to live.

Ajantis is kinda cynical tonight....

Looking at life in a mirror

The job offer is on the table. I just need to find out the hard facts (like the salary!) before i affirm my decision. It's kinda frustrating in some ways. I know what i want my decision to be, and i want to make it now, but the pragmatic (perhaps cautious) part of me is still holding back, waiting and wanting to see some numbers on the table.

Meanwhile, life goes on, and it should go on. I need to not slack on work. It's amazing how one offer like this can potentially alter your plans for the next few years. One minute I was thinking of doing the MBA, now the MBA is the furthest thing on my mind. One minute we were pretty sure about settilng down in North America, now it looks like H might move down to join me in the medium term.

It's a risk of course. I could end up not living up to expectations. But i choose to focus on the positive. Everything's a risk, and this is an opportunity which gives me the chance to learn so much more.

10 years since i started college. It's been a pretty incredible 10 years, really. Sang in an acapella group for the first time, visited 2/3rds of the United States, fell in love, got married, 3 jobs in government over six years, and now.... a possible career switch.

We'll see how this goes.

Ajantis is in a reflective mood tonight...

Dreaming Singapore

Long day today. Went to Queenstown for a conference on Malay-Muslim families, then back home, before going to catch a movie with Oats.

Singapore Dreaming was very touching, down to earth and sincere. I've seen 15, 12 Stories, Lie with Me, and a little bit of Jack Neo's stuff, and these movies often felt like stylised representations of Singapore life. Singapore Dreaming felt like little nuggets and reflections of Singapore life, and the characters felt like real people that you might see on the street or in your block. You really felt for the characters as you saw the things they inadvertently said or did that hurt another person in the family. Literally, death by a thousand paper cuts. The scripting had little moments of truth that were all the more powerful because they were so well delivered by a talented cast. Every line felt natural, even when characters were code-switching or moving between languages. I really felt for the family, and i must confess that i did tear up a little at the end. I guess the film-makers achieved what they set out to do :)

Had a good chat with Oats (at McCafe! hee hee). It was nice to spend a Saturday afternoon

Bought SQ21 on my way to Siglap. I just find it so awesome that the GLBT community in Singapore came together to publish a book, where everyday Singaporeans could just come out and tell their stories about being a gay, lesbian, transexual or bi. It is a powerful statement of courage and bravery, and it really helps to break the public stereotype of homosexuals as meth-addicted sex maniacs which has been fostered by the tabloids in Singapore. I really appreciate that one mother was willing to be featured as a mother of 2 gay children.

I also bought another book on leadership at Borders. While i used to be a little cynical of self-development books, i find that reading such books provides me with a way to reflect on and learn from my personal and work experiences. In reacting to the concepts and ideas in the books, I deepen my own learning from work. For instance, when i was reading the Fifth Discipline, a lot of the ideas and concepts resonated with some of my experiences, and made me think harder about whati had done well and could do better as a manager. Although i had done a workshop about Learning Organisations when i first started work, my learning was much richer now because i had 4 years of work experience to draw on, with 2 in a general management position with more responsibility and autonomy.

Ended the day with dinner at Le Viet (my fav Vietnamese restaurant) and cheesecake at the Cheesecake cafe, which had a very nice vibe to it.

All in all, a nice and relaxing Saturday. In fact, it's my first weekend with no homework at all (even though i still had work in the morning).

Ajantis is dreaming...

Ajantis is a Small Olympian Bear

I had an interesting conversation today. At the end of the day, I ended up with a confirmed job offer in a different industry.

I cannot say how fortunate i feel about this opportunity. It's literally too good to be true. The pay is better, there are opportunities for moving throughout the region, and I could learn a lot from my colleagues as well as the Managing Director. I didn't even have to interview!

Might have to get a car though. That i'm not so thrilled about. Singapore car drivers watch out!

Can't say i'm definitely going to take it yet. There are a lot more issues to think through, including where i want to be after the next 3-4 years.

On a separate, light-hearted note, did i mention how much i love Jasper Fforde? His books are awesome and defy description. Go read it if you have a chance. Also, check out his website. He's often been compared to Terry Pratchett, who by the way is now author of my favoritest quote ever...

"Who do you want to be remembered as the greatest horn player ever, you or some felonious monk?"

Ajantis is a lucky S.O.B

Life is strange

Life is strange.

Steve Irwin's passing was tragic, partly because any death is tragic, and partly because his death was so sudden and accidental.

Every day is a day worth living.

Thoughts on a Monday evening

Was thinking about life, work and chocolates (ok maybe not chocolates) as i walked home this evening.

Reflecting back on the experiences that i've had, i feel much tougher and resilient now than when i first started work 6 years ago. I still get stressed, and i still get anxious, but i now treat challenges that would have fazed me a few years ago with startling equinamity.

I used to think that my personal growth had plateaued after college. To some degree, that's true. Deep down inside, i'm the same person that graduated from university. But i have a wealth of experiences now, tough and sad, good and bad, that i can draw upon each time something new comes around the corner. Setting up and helping to lead a 16 member a capella group is not nearly on the same scale as managing a team of 79 people and a budget of millions :)

At the same time, the personal growth that I experienced in college was what enabled me to deal with and learn from all the work experiences over the past 6 years.

I like to think of my time in college as growing my potential, while my time in work has helped to sharpen that potential from a rough-cut diamond into a more polished one (although still a work in progress)

To sum up : I'm battle-scarred, but not weary. Each day is a chance to learn something new, to make a positive impact on the lives of those around me, and a day to make better.

Ajantis is enjoying the air-conditioning....

MHA? AHM? HAM?

Finished the Army Half Marathon in 2 hours 4 min 50 seconds! I was running it at my normal marathon/long run pace, so i still had energy towards the end. Also got stuck at the start due to the human jam, and at the middle part due to several traffic lights (!). But all in all, i'm satisfied. I finished, i wasn't half dead, and it was fun running through a new and different route.

Several observations :

(1) Having to get up at 4am to get to the race point was way too frickin early! I haven't gotten up this early on a regular day for quite some time. So i'm currently scratching my head over what to do for the rest of the day. It feels strange to have so many hours free since i usually get up at 11am or noon :P

(2) Went to bed at 10pm last night so i could get a decent amount of sleep. Again, a new personal record for me. And surprisingly, I actually fell asleep pretty fast.

(3) Way too many people are up at 830am. The train home was surprisingly crowded. Then again, maybe i'm the abnormal one since i always get up around noon on a Sunday :)

Next step : Standard Chartered! Now i know i can do it!

On a slightly more random note, i've been hooked on a Sandi Thom song... Oh i wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair.... For those in the know, Sandi Thom became famous after doing a 21 day world tour webcast from her bed room. Apparently, at the end of the tour, she had 100,000 listeners at a time. Mind boggling, isn't it?

Ajantis is a punkster with ham in his hair...

Wowowow

Half Marathon in 2 days... can't wait!

The past week has been kinda surreal. Something really cool and unexpected happened on Thursday. It was flattering to be sure, but i'm not sure what to think about it. It's too soon to say anything about it, but i'll know more after i have a meeting in 2 weeks' time. For those who know... chill on the requests for discounts already :)

Ajantis is happy that it's the end of the week...

Marathoning

I collected my race packet for the Army Half Marathon and signed up for the Standard Chartered Marathon yesterday.

So it's set. I'm gonna run the Half Marathon this coming sunday and prepare for the full marathon in December.

I blogged about doing the half marathon around this time last year. The same feelings of excitement and anticipation are still there, tinged with a little bit of apprehension. Why? Cos 1 week after blogging about it, i hurt my achilles tendon by over-running. It was bound to happen, really, given that i had no proper running shoes or soles, flat feet, and that i was increasing my mileage every week. So i'm really hoping that lightning does not strike twice in the same place, so to speak.

After all this marathoning is over, I hope to cut back on my training and devote a bit more time to volunteer work and catching up with friends. We'll see.

I took a career test the other day. The results were not that surprising. I'm perfectly suited for HR management, organisation development and training, non-profits, and quite suited for general management. If anything, this test, and the reactions from my friends, have all convinced me that the MBA seems like the right way to go. Haven't felt this clear about career paths in a while.

Saw Click with Fish the other day. For an Adam Sandler movie, it was actually quite good. And had a good time catching up. The art world does seem like another dimension tho (sorry Fish!). But then again, i'm not really a visual art kinda person. Too static for a ADHD person like me :P

Ajantis is AD? or HD?

Planes in a snake!

Movies i saw on the plane :

1) Friends with Money - blech even though i like chick flicks
2) Ice Age 2
3) Over the Hedge
4) Take the Lead - i seem to like dancing movies a lot
5) The Inside Man - my favorite movie. Jodie Foster is such a great bitch in this movie.

Random trivia :

Did you know that mangosteens were allowed in the US up until now? and that people in the US have been trying to import them since 1903?

Books i've read in the past few months

1) Anansi Boys - Neil Gaiman
2) Naked Economics

Currently reading Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. Did i mention that i like Neil Gaiman?

Games I want to try :

1) Final Fantasy 11
2) Dead Rising
3) Pokemon DS!!!
4) Tales of the Abyss
5) The Longest Journey part 2

Yes, Ajantis is a geek...

CC = Career Confusion? Career Counselling?

Just had a long conversation with H.

Somehow we were both under the impression that living in the US wasn't an option. But after I made a passing mention, we both realised that the US was on the table again....

One of the things bugging me about living in Canada was not having any idea of what career to pursue. To be honest, I was looking at the possibility of doing entry level jobs for quite a few years.

H asked me two questions that helped to clarify things. What do you like about your job right now? If you could choose between teaching and managing people, what would you prefer to do? My answer to both was that I liked working with and managing people. Which is why HR consultancy has always been a possibility.

So now it's clearer. I will do either an MBA or a PhD, sometime in 3-4 years when i've saved up enough money. A PhD if i wanna teach, a MBA if i want to move into management or HR consultancy. And it means that we might live in the US after all...

Wow. That was a major shift. But i feel a lot better and clearer now.

Ajantis is careering his counsel...

Running with rhubarbs...

Things you notice when running on a Michigan evening
1) Pretty pretty fireflies
2) Too many insects with an unnatural affinity for flying into your open mouth
3) How late the sun sets (i knew this before, but i haven't been back to Michigan in a long time)

So the wedding is over. It was fun, and it was my first time to an honest-to-goodness American wedding :) What was also cool was that it was my first time meeting H's extended family as well as my brother in law's extended family, and how accepting they were of me and H. It was nice, if a little awkward at times. The Jewish ceremony was relatively short, and I really liked that the ceremony consisted mostly of symbolic actions that consisted of good wishes for the bride and groom, and that the rabbi took pains to explain the significance of each symbol. Given that most of those attending were not practicing Jews, the effort by the rabbi to be inclusive was very touching. And Jewish music is beautiful.
So all in all, it was a wonderful wedding, even if I didn't get a chance to slow dance with H. Ah well. There will be a next time.

Other miscellaneous observations :
1) Visited the nearest Asian food market. It's large, and they sell literally everything, ranging from a ginormous wok and wok burner, to... live frogs that you can take home to prepare a dish of fresh frog legs . Anyway, I found GREEN TEA POCKY!!!! That made my day, since i can never ever find it in Singapore.

2) On other green-tea matters, I also found green tea kit kat in Nagoya airport, and treated myself to some green tea love. That's definitely something i'm splurging on when I go back...

Now if only i could find a green tea soft serve machine....

Ajantis is lovin the matcha kucha...

Here i am just crossing down the street...

So it's 4am and 2 hours to my flight. I've just spent the last few hours after swing amending papers and sending in stuff for people to follow up. Perhaps it's true that I AM a workaholic (gasp). H will be stunned to learn i finally admitted to it. Well, it's more like i don't like leaving things unfinished. I pride myself on the fact that i've yet to hand in a late piece of work over the past 15 years. Wow, that sounded.... scary :)

Anyway, i've been really addicted to So You Think You Can Dance. Watched every clip like 8-10 times. It's just amazing what the human body can do, and what the human body can create. I never liked lyrical jazz, or even ballroom, till i saw this show. The pictures and moves the partners create, god! They leave me positively envious that i can't even begin to remotely approach the talent that some of the competitors display. But it's inspiring. Dancing lindy hop has given me a much greater appreciation for the craft and artistry that goes into professional dancing.

2 more hours to my flight, 36 more hours till i meet H, and a few more from that till I meet H's extended family. This should be fun :)

Ajantis has been looking forward to this vacation for A WHILE...

Hello!? Goombye!

Ran another 26km last night from 130am to 4 am last night. Some people might call me crazy, but running at night is both relaxing and surreal.

The good news is that i found something that can keep my knees and shoulders from chafing after running. It's something called Opsite, a kind of skin-like bandage. What's cool is it comes in a spray on version, which makes it really easy to apply.

This is a cool story, even though some of you readers out there still think D&D is geek central. I'm positive almost every guy who grew up during the 70s to early 90s remembers playing some form of role-playing game. And who wouldn't enjoy an RPG as a kid? The chance to play out your own derring-do adventures, to be the hero (or villian) of your own story, and do what you would or could not do in real life. And this paragraph sums it up for me about D&D...

"I learned the most important lesson about D&D that day. I remembered that this is a game about imagination, about coming together to tell a story as a group. And the fact is, the players have as much right to tell that story as the DM does—after all, they’re the protagonists!"

Besides, where else would people be inspired to come up with something this cool!

Haha.

Ajantis is a swashbuckling 12th level mystic theurge.

Atlas never felt this sore...

I have four big bruises on my shoulder. It looks quite scary. My colleague said that it looked like a vampire bite. Add to that the fact that my shoulder is aching from several failed aerials, and chafing badly from running.

Ajantis' shoulders are not so happy at the moment.

Bad movie karma

Ran 26km just now! woo hoo!

Saw a bad movie on TV today. How can you tell?
1) Jean Claude Van Damme played the American hero
2) Ming-na Wen in cheongsam, with her hair in buns
3) Kylie Minogue in fatigues attempting to act
4) Very very bad dialogue
5) Cheesy fighting

Can you guess what movie it was?

My favorite dog breeds :
- Pugs
- Bulldogs
- Frenchies
- Golden Retrievers

Give me a dog over a cat any day! (sorry Arie :)

Ajantis is winding down....

The psychometrics of video-ing Lindy

Got around to watching some Lindy clips online. Inspired by all the cool social dances and moves on the videos. Perhaps that's what i need to break out of my current funk, and try new things in my dancing. That said, i tried some of the moves on the dance floor on thursday. Easier said than done :) Well, just gotta keep trying

My busiest week is finally over, but there are still a thousand and one things to be done. But this weekend, I just have to attend one event, and then i'm scot-free and i'm refusing to do any work. That, and 3 more weeks to vacation... woo hoo!

On the fitness front, i've been quite bad about eating lately, probably due to all the stress. Been narfing down every snack in site. I also might have pulled a stomach muscle running last week, cos i seem to develop stitches really easily while running since. Which is an unusual feeling and i'm not sure how to accomodate it. Gonna try running tonight and see how it goes.

That's all to update for now. Which perhaps is a good sign cos it shows that there is less stress in my life.

Ajantis is surfing online...

Sometimes....

At the end of a long day, when work is frustrating, you just want to curl up in bed with someone beside you. And unfortunately, that someone is a few thousand miles away. So i will have to settle for my pillow tonight.

Ajantis is....

Resourcing humans

After working for four years, i've come to the conclusion that work boils down essentially to managing resources, whether it be people, time or money. And managing people and staff is frickin' hard. People can't be broken down into rules. They are essentially bundles of emotion, intuition, thoughts and bounded rationality that require a sensitive approach each time. Yes, you might find certain tactics over time, but in the end, it's not about what works for you, but what works for them. How you motivate someone, how you coach and counsel them. That's tough! But it can be rewarding.

The reason why I wrote the above is because it's that time of year when people are leaving my department again. And i just found out that one of my middle management staff is about to leave, and that person's gonna be tough to replace. And while I strongly believe that you need to hire the right person in, somehow it's a little hard to keep holding a place open when you see mediocre candidate after mediocre candidate and your other staff are screaming for some help. That usual adage of ideals meeting reality, i guess.

Add to that the fact that one of my potential management staff is under-performing, and the usual day to day staff management issues, and I end up wondering sometimes why people can't just all be happy, see the big picture, and get along.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy managing and helping staff, and i think it's one of my greatest strengths. It just gets tiring sometimes. Perhaps because I care so much about doing the right thing, i also feel it when things don't work out even though i've tried my best.

Ah well.

Ajantis will relax by staring at movie trailers tonight....

Jumping jiminy batman!

Felt like an old man last night. I basically ran for 2 hours and 18 min... which should be around 23-24km. Ended up with creaking knees and ankles while tottering about the house. It did feel good to push myself that far though, and it was also somewhat interesting (in an S&M kinda way) to notice the places that were chafing.

On a different note, was talking to Kris from Vancouver and an innocent question kinda jolted me into realising that H and I had been together for almost 8 years and long-distance for about 6. People always wonder how the two of us keep it together. I always find that i only have one answer to give. "Thanks, it's not easy, but it's worth it".

Other unrelated trivia of note in Ajantis world this week :

Found out that Batwoman will be brought back as a lesbian socialite! woo hoo!
Discussed the relative merits and attractiveness quotient of World Cup players with B. Obviously, she and I have very different tastes.
Got to follow 3 times at Swing Fling this week. Kinda fun, even if L still throws many evil moves at me :P
Booked my ticket for the US! Going from 22 Jul-1 Aug. Get to meet extended family of H and experience weather that is even more sweltering than Singapore (yes, Michigan in summer is worse than Singapore)

Ajantis is a holy smoke....

Random conversations on a train

Overheard on the MRT train today...

Dad : Your mom says that cos she's worried about you....
Shaggy-haired ignorant teen (aka SHIT) : that's the problem with you adult folks, you never understand the kid's point of view etc etc
Dad : silence...
Dad :
SHIT : So what would you do if i pontang and didn't turn up and my teachers kicked me out?
Dad : Well, i would try to find out why
SHIT : Damn my watch is broken...
Dad : You can get the strap replaced...
SHIT : You don't know what you're talking about, you can't lah. Anyway, i don't have the money to fix it...
Dad : That's why i always told you to save some money
SHIT : At most drink water, won't die lah! Watch only what. If no money drink lor!

At this point, i would have seriously turned around and started slapping some sense into whiny teen if i hadn't gotten off at my stop. I mean, god, can anyone sound more shallow? Maybe it's a sign that i'm getting old and all uncly (as L likes to say about some others) but i don't recall ever being that insipid or idiotic at age 15 or 16.

On the work front, things are moving along. I found out about my new job. Let's just say it's way more intimidating than i thought it would be. Managing so many staff, while managing so many important people, while still trying to see the larger economic picture.... will be interesting. But hey, where else would you get to lead such an important business unit at age 30 :) Wish i could talk more about it, but oh well.

Been kinda distracted as a result of many things at work, but i'm slowly starting to get my Canadian immigration application together. Now i just need my bank info, and H's criminal record from the FBI (strange-sounding, that), and we should be all set to apply. AND then I can finally start the damn clock ticking.
Only then will i really see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Going to attend my sister in law's wedding on the 22nd of July! Will be interesting meeting H's extended family for once. Interesting that we've been dating for almost 8 years and married for 2, and this is the first time i'm meeting the whole Jewish clan. It shall be a good learning experience ;)

Marathon update : up to 46km a week, with the longest run at 21km.

My aunt popped by with some yami yogurt. Very yummy.

ajantis is stuffing himself silly....

And a new day begins...

So the General Elections are over, and the dust is still settling. Quite interesting to see how people voted, why they voted, how the parties reacted, how the Cabinet was shaken up. In fact, i'm glad that the Institute of Policy Studies did a survey, cos it shed a lot more light into people's voting patterns.

Why did i vote? I voted because I wanted the government to recognise my concerns, that sometimes using the argument that the government can move only when society is ready for it doesn't hold water, that I want to feel like i have a place in this Singapore we call home instead of being forced to feel like I have to be someone other than who i really am, that I want to have the right to raise a family just like any other Singaporean, and most importantly, I want to feel like I belong and contribute to this place we all call Singapore.

Ajantis is about to start a new week...

Time flies...

2nd Wedding anniversary. Wow.

Ajantis is feeling a bit nostalgic

Ow owie owies

I am....

not the stereotypical slim asian guy
more than the sum of my parts
32 flavors and then some
a geek and lover rolled into one
deeper than i seem
an avid runner
aching very much from very strained shoulder muscles
wishing i could be with my significant other
loving my job but terrified that things are too good to be true
much better at saving than i used to be
always worried that i'm in over my head when it comes to work
glad to have had a generally fortunate life
grateful for having such good friends
always envious of people who are natural dancers
a choco-holic
a carnivore
always biting off as much as i can chew

but most importantly, i am who i am, and i like it that way.

Ajantis can turn his neck only 30 degrees each way at the moment...

Weekend + long = glorious!?

This weekend was pretty fun. Friday was D&D day (dungeons and dragons for those non-geeks not in the know), while I spent most of Saturday hanging out with Eun. We watched Mission Impossible 3, and wandered around Bugis shopping and getting lost trying to find Singapore's only synagogue. Talked about swing, relationships, people, work, politics, the works. We capped off the night by eating my favorite sambal salted fish fried rice (no egg, no bean sprouts) at Boat Quay, and then dancing a little bit at Harry's. It's always energising sharing your opinions and experiences with someone whom you can intellectually engage with. I'm glad that we got to spend some quality time together :)

Mission Impossible 3 was pretty ok for a popcorn movie. The physics in that movie was a little bit on the surreal side, though. For those who've seen the movie, just think about the fulcrum scene in Shanghai and how impossible that really is.

Another surreal thing that happened this weekend : L using the term "apropos" in an msn conversation. I think my jaw nearly dropped.

I spent Sunday being social too. Had dinner with L and Zeph at Carl's Jr, then met some swing friends near home for a drink.

And yet, as I was walking home, i was struck by a slight wave of sadness. Part of it was the pre-monday blues, but part of it was cos i was missing H more than usual. I've done a pretty good job of keeping myself busy the past 6 years, but everytime I catch up with friends and whatnot, it always makes me a little bit sad that H is not there to share in the experience with me. Seeing swing friends up and move to be with their significant others, whether it be in Japan, India, or Australia, is also bittersweet. I'm happy for them, but I'm also reminded that I can't do that yet ;)

Ah well, 4 more years! Just gotta keep plugging away!

Ajantis keeps running....

Meme stealing

Got this from glambren's blog.

1. My ex is: probably living in France and still singing Gilbert and Sullivan tunes at the top of her lungs

2. Maybe I should: learn to be less insecure.

3. I love: H

4. I don't understand: why life sometimes has to be so complicated

5. I lose: my patience too often

6. People say I'm: smart but silly

7. Love is: passion that makes you both want to be a better person for each other ( saw this on glambren's reply and i couldn't agree more). Another answer : like seeing the world in colour for the first time

8. Somewhere, someone is: thinking of what life means to them

9. I will always: want to do more and learn more

10. Forever is: hard to contemplate

11. I never want to: feel like i have not squeezed everything out of life

12. I think the current US President: is an I-D-I-O-T

13. When I wake up in the morning: I start worrying about the things to do for the day

14. My past was: something i think about but have gotten over

15. I get annoyed when: things don't always go my way

16. Parties are for: catching up with friends

17. My dog is: a french bulldog that i will owe someday

18. My cat is: imaginary

19. Kisses are the best when: you mean it

20. Tomorrow: is always a new day and new experience

21. I really want: to be with H and start our family right now

22. I have low tolerance for people who: have closed minds

Ajantis likes memes....

Am I? I am Superman

Cat said something at the end of our gab and meal-fest today (dim sum buffet + milo dinosaur = one stuffed Ajantis). She said that i seemed like much more of a saver since i was always analysing things around me. I always find it somewhat jolting when someone makes an observation like that. Just cos i don't think of myself as analytical or always trying to put things together. But guess that's what i intuitively do. I like things to make sense.

Do you ever think about having kids? I do, often. Not sure if it's the result of being an only child but deep down inside, i've always wanted to share my life and love not only with a significant other but with my kids. Someone told me recently at a meeting that it was important to have kids early so you could really enjoy watching them grow up before you got too old. That makes a lot of sense. Which is why it's so frustrating to have to wait so long before H and I can be together again. Part of me wants to go back to my original plan of doing a PhD as soon as I can, but i also know that means a fairly large financial sacrifice, especially if i'm not sure if i want to be in the academic field. And the other part wants to have kids, right now! Obviously my brain is kind of running in all directions right now, so i guess it makes sense just to leave it at that for now.

Ajantis wants 2.5 kids....like any other Singaporean.

HG

Seriously funny set of clips that Zephyr passed to me

Hard Gay foo! To think that it is the comic creation of just this one man. Japanese sure have a wacky sense of humour. I'm not really sure that it would fly in Singapore.

Another clip that Zeph passed to me. Man people sure have strange ideas about what looks good on video.

Read an interesting article the other day on USA Today about how financial compatibility (or the lack thereof) is often a key source of friction between couples. I'm definitely more of a saver than H, which is interesting given that I used to suck at saving money. My mom just topped up my allowance whenever I needed money, and I was terrible at controlling impulse buys. On reflection, i think the turning point was when I had to borrow money from mom despite having a scholarship allowance. That kinda woke me up, and made me realise i needed to be smarter with my budget. Simple things like getting a proper calling card and paying 5 cents a minute to call the US instead of the University's rate of 2 bucks a minute :)

Ran 18km last night and about 38 km this week! Also introduced fartlek/interval training into my routine. I've now officially exceeded the distance I ran before I injured myself last September. And the good news is that my ankle is only giving mild complaints. The stretches and orthotic soles are definitely helping. We'll see :)

Ajantis wants to be like Hard Gay!

The purple and the blue-black

Just a short post. I'm a massage junkie. There, i said it. I love massages, and i like them hard, especially when the masseuse is able to hit and knead a knot right in between my shoulder blades. The way to my heart ain't through my stomach, it's through my knots baby.

And now, it's time to stop sounding like a porn video.

More seriously, I decided to give foot reflexology a try since i had a good experience with a similar massage set-up while in the US. The first foot massage was pretty painful, and not all that enjoyable, but i figured i would give it another try since my knots were mostly in my back and not my feet. This time round, I went to a place near my house. The results were..... excruciating, to say the least. I nearly cramped up trying not to squirm from pain, and wanting to be manly, i simply gritted my teeth and nodded when the massuese asked if i was ok. The next day, my whole back felt tender. Lo and behold, it was a patch of blue-black bruises. Suffice to say, my brief flirtation with foot reflexology places is now ended. Back to more high-end spa type places for me!

Ajantis is a wussy boy...

Because i knew you....

One of the reasons why i loved the musical Wicked. And yes, i did tear up.

For Good
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

It well may be
That we will never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

Like a comet pulled from orbit
as it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown off it's mooring
by a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
in a distant wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better.
Because I knew you... I have been changed for good

Ajantis loves this song

Wagyu's Anatomy

The gourmet food craze has now officially come to Singapore. Everyone's buzzing about the new $101 burger at Uberburger in Milennia Walk, with its prime cut wagyu patty, mixed with fois gras and truffle sauce. Apparently other outlets in Singapore have been serving such gourmet burgers for a while now. Much of the buzz seems to be about how people are going just because of the price, which to me seems a tad missing the point. It's kinda funny seeing all of this after having coming back from New York, where the fine dining scene seems to have almost evolved into a complete ecosystem of its own, and then seeing how we are seeing the faint beginnings of what seems to be a hoity-toity, only i can afford this kind of food, kind of dining culture.

Don't get me wrong. H has halfway persuaded me that fine ingredients make a huge difference to the food, but $101 for a burger!? That seems a bit much.

I just caught 2/3rds of an episode of Grey's Anatomy, and have been officially converted. Haven't really caught much TV since i graduated, but once in a while a show comes along and catches my eye. Knowing me, I will probably indulge in some sort of downloading binge after this :P

Random links : This is the new car that H is getting, the Honda Fit. I'm not really into cars, but i honestly think that any car that markets itself as being able to fit a llama is pretty cool.

Ajantis wants to eat wagyu in a Fit

Cabling my way to Xanadu

Read Trich's blog about being back in Columbus yesterday, which made me reminisce about my student days. Living in an apartment/house/dorm with other people, walking about and talking with professors and other students, partaking in college life, and being generally more bohemian than the working world allows or requires you to be.

The college life is a kind of safe cocoon that sometimes I never wanted to leave. That's perhaps the reason that I had for wanting to be come a college professor. But after seeing how much work and politics went into finding a position and securing tenure, I realised that while i enjoyed the graduate work and the teaching, I wasn't as ready to commit to chasing after funds and recognition in order to do the kind of ground-breaking social science research that American universities demanded.

So actually, I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life. Truth be told, I picked political science as a course of study cos it sounded like history, and I ended up in my current line of work more so because I wanted a full scholarship to study overseas. I do enjoy my work but i'm not sure whether i could do the same thing in Canada, which we're planning to move to in the next few years. I had been putting it off due to career issues, but given that the processing time is now 4 years (!!), i probably have to bite the bullet and talk to my employers.

Funnily, i was originally going to blog about the cable TV and internet here, but thanks to reading Trich's blog (bad Trich!), this ended up being more a reflection about the past and the future.

Oh well. Anyway, just a quick blurb about my ORIGINAL topic. There are way too many cable channels here. H's roomate subscribed to cable on demand, so i can download and watch stuff at leisure. I usually catch up on movies during most vacation trips to the US, but this trip more so than usual. So far, I've seen Rent, Groundhog Day, numerous sitcoms, Zathura, Aeon Flux, Ella Enchanted, and Mad Hot Ballroom. And with H's fast internet connection, i've also been catching up on anime over YouTube, which is a pretty awesome video site.

Ajantis is chillin, really chillin......

Reminiscing the moon

Some thoughts on the trip thus far...

Saw the Gimble concert on Friday night. It was really cool to hear the group 9 years down the road, and see them release their 4th CD. Quite a number of alumni showed up, and we spent part of the after-concert party just singing old songs. Makes me miss being in an acapella group again, but i also realise that that part of my life is over :) I neither have the voice nor the inclination to really go out there and try to be part of a group in Singapore. Besides, the lindy crowd and performance company more than satisfy my need for a social grouping and an artistic interest :) Hopefully, i will be able to make it back for the 10th anniversary concert.

Went to a bread-making class with Zingerman's Bakehouse the other day. Got to see H help conduct the class and knead some dough. It was quite inspiring to hear the staff talk about the bread like it was a living organism that needed to be nurtured and encouraged to develop its full flavor. And I felt really proud at seeing how H helped conduct the class in such a professional manner. It gave me a deeper appreciation of why H wanted to give up college to become a full time baker. That's always been one of the things i've struggled over in our relationship, coming from a Singaporean background where the only way is to get a degree.
So i'm glad i went to this class, even if i can't pick up a wad of bread dough without mangling it. It gave me a deeper understanding of why H has chosen this career, and that makes it all worth it.

Other random observations :
1) i've gotten soft. It's hovering around 6-15 celsius, and i already find it cold!
2) i called up my stock trading company in the US, and it was SO obvious that the person i was talking to on the helpline was from India :) This is the first time i had come face-to-face, so to speak, with the outcome of the outsourcing craze in the US. The service was decent, but the whole experience was definitely on the surreal side. A singaporean chinese calling up his US trading company to talk to a helpline person located in India.

Ajantis is trying to avoid eating too much...

Excited!

Haven't been this excited about a trip to the US in a while. Wonder why...

1 day to H! I can't wait! My toes are shivering in excitement :)

Ajantis is happy like a toad

Wheelies munchies

$475.33. That's the amount on the receipt for the numerous comic books and RPG books that i bought from Absolute Comics. Haven't spent that much in a while. Oh well, it's bonus time after all.

Rehearsal today was quite satisfying. I finally got the sensation of what a cartwheel should feel like, even if my feet still landed together. The feeling of turning on one hand was.... kinda addictive, to say the least. In fact, it makes me feel like trying to do cartwheels on my floor right now!

And managed to pull off a 16.8km run after 3 hours of rehearsal today. Makes me kinda proud :)

Yesterday, ate WAY too many appetisers at Jerry's Sunset Bar and Grill. Us Lindy Hoppers are a perverted lot. The top three topics of conversation seemed to be

(1) porn (thanks Miss M!)
(2) cheesy movie moments (which is kinda like porn)
(3) Xanadu the movie (from the dying days of disco, which is when video porn took off)

Off to the US in just over 3 days. New York, Wicked, Spam-a-lot, Gimble, Ann Arbor and most importantly, H, oh my!

A wolf-crying chicken or a chicken-crying wolf?

Random thoughts from Ajantis on a 10.4km run in extremely humid weather on too little sleep :

I feel very lucky right now. Let me explain, cos there is much to be thankful for :

1) I have a pretty decent job which i enjoy with very good pay and generally ok hours
2) Savings and stocks which have exceeded the target I set for myself
3) Been getting good feedback at work
4) Feeling good physically, getting lots of exercise (more on that later)
5) A group of swing friends who accept me for who i am

And the thing is, I feel like all the work and finance-related successes are the result of pure simple luck rather than things that i've done. I know people always say that you make your own luck, but I look back and see many things that could have gone wrong, but for providence and the fact that I was working with very capable people. So basically, I feel like the other shoe is going to drop at any moment. (This is the point at which H always bonks me for being silly and insecure).

On another topic, I've been finally getting back into my full exercise routine. The only problem is that it might be too much.
Sun : 3 hour lindy performance rehearsal + 16km run
Mon : Gym
Tues : 2.4km run, 2.2km worth of sprints
Wed : Gym + Social dancing
Thurs : Social dancing
Fri : 10.4km run
Tomorrow (sat) : Gym

What do you think? It feels good though, and my body isn't complaining at the moment. Why, M even commented that the gym work was paying off (and you know it means something when Miss Marina M makes a comment like that. haha). And that's how I tend to do things, never by halves.

We'll see. The best part though is that my ankles have generally stopped complaining. So we're on our way to a marathon!

Ajantis is off to see the wizard....

Obscurata Tempura

In a good mood today. Although one of the projects my colleague was handling at work completely flopped over the weekend, which led to some complaints... but that's another issue to deal with later. Cos i'm feeling good today. It's bonus time, and i got more than i expected. While the extra money is of course nice, the higher bonus was a validation of the effort and time i had put in over the past year, and helped to push away any feeling of insecurity...for now anyway ;)
Of course, i'm gonna have to give my mom some money, as well as treat some colleagues, but that's cool. Feeling happy today :)

It helps that what was going to be an unbelievably packed weekend turned out to be relatively relaxing, and that i managed to complete a 16km run in 1hr 20 min with hardly any ankle problems and after having finished 3 hours of rehearsals! Am also looking forward to performing this coming Saturday, cos it gives me something to look forward to after having attended rehearsals for so long.

On an unrelated note, people always wonder why i know the most obscure facts which tend to surface at the strangest times. Just the other day, L was wondering why in the world i knew the origin of the term "Achilles Heel", and regretting that he mentioned it cos i proceeded to give him a short overview of the Homeric version of Achilles.... Here is the gist of my explanation to Arie and L and M... my brain is basically a cross between a sponge and an unfragmented computer. Everything i read (except for names and faces) tend to stick in my memory, but it usually requires an external impetus to jolt these facts free.

Which is why it's good that i tend to read almost anything (from pension plans in the US to GM's accountancy troubles to Islamic minorities in China to the latest video game and movie news). It's probably good that I also free-associate and do many intuitive logical jumps (H is probably the most familiar with this) cos it means that facts get jolted free when i usually need them to be. As mentioned before, H thinks i would be ADHD (attention-deficit disorder) if i weren't so smart (his words, not mine...)

10 more days to H! Also looking forward to watching Gimble. Can't believe that we founded the group 9 years ago!

Ajantis is keeping the faith and about to jump over the moon (can you guess what reference that is?)

Shooting the breeze in a Raoul shirt

Yesterday was long, and provided an interesting contrast of activities.

I worked from 1-6pm, travelling over the entire island for 3 different events. The highlight had to be running through the pouring rain with my boss for a full hour, then waiting, shivering and cold, for the Guest of Honour to arrive.

Then it was a frantic rush down to the Botanic Gardens for an outdoorsy wedding dinner (with a mandatory stop-over at Tanglin Mall to pick up some socks... which by the way are my first ankle length socks ever!)

After that, a 2 hour birthday hang-out session with some swing friends at a very nice non-smoky outdoor bar (even if the mosquitos did have a field day), and yummy pork porridge at Maxwell market. A nice end to a hectic day, and it was really nice that everyone took the effort to try and make it.

Today, i dragged L down to Singapore American School to film an audition video for Amazing Race Asia.... which was a whole lot of fun, since we also spent some time monkeying around in the pool with kayaks and surf boards. In the process, I once again confirmed my lousy sense of balance :P

29 in 2 days, but more importantly, H in less than 3 weeks!

Ajantis is breezing a shoot

Stillness and silence on a crowded shore

I have a pathological need to fill up empty spaces. Silence is almost anathema to me, as is a complete lack of movement. That's why I sometimes make inane chatter, and why I absolutely loathe waiting at the bus stop and taking a bus. The start-stop driving of the public bus in heavy traffic drives me insane. Sometimes, it even gets to the point where I start staring daggers at everyone who boards and exits the bus at each bus stop.

This sometimes makes it hard for me to hang out with close friends or with H. Cos my neurotic brain thinks that there should be ABSOLUTELY no silence at all since we're so close, and I end up nattering away even though all they really want is to hang out in comfortable silence. A friend said once that the sign of a good friendship/relationship is the ability to have comfortable silence. That's so true. I just need to remind myself of that from time to time.

This weekend was the first time in 2 months where I didn't have any major work to do and had no major events to attend (except for the Yue Opera concert... that's 2.5 hours of my life that i'll never get back again... more on that in a later post). So relaxing. I had forgotten what it had felt like.

Some other highlights from this week :

My colleagues made fun of me this week again for using another big word. This time it was quid pro quo. Apparently they are keeping a log book of all the big phrases i'm using, and it's already up to more than 10 words. -.-

Performance rehearsal has been a bit strange lately. Still haven't mastered most of the aerials, without which I can't do quite a few of the choreos. Part of it is just muscle awareness and body control, which I have always not been so good at (that's the klutz in me emerging). But it's still fun and interesting to do lindy in a performance/choreo context. Ah well.

25 more days. Then it will be H, H and more H! Along with an actual NYC vacation (unlike the 1-day affairs it has been in the past), a little bit of swing, a dash of musicals, and just some solid quality relationship time.

Ajantis is about to start nattering again....

Trimalchio the silly

Ah i miss Trich.

Conversation at Kopitiam tonight in front of stall that says BIG PRAWN MEE

"... so is that stall selling big prawns or big mee?"

-.-

cannot take it. time to sleep. good night!

it's good to have HM and T back.

Ajantis can't stop laughing.

Wicky micky wack-a-moley

For the first time in 2 weeks, I do not have a paper to write or amend. Rather, I am refusing to write or amend. And man, it feels good.

So here are some interesting links. An interesting movie. Makes you wonder about the role of memories. Many other movies talk about it of course. Memento. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Would I be a better person if I had retrograde amnesia and built my memories from scratch? I would probably not have as many neuroses, that's for sure. What do you think?

Ran 14km tonight! It was definitely nice to just run and zone, even if work kept creeping onto my mind. Random thoughts. For one, I DEFINITELY need to update my playlist, especially since I keep forwarding past the 4 Craig David songs in my MP3 player. For another, I spent about 2km ruminating over the thin line between semantics/empty words and the use of proper language/terminology/vocabulary in managing an organisation. At what point does your insistence on using the right words/terms so as to decrease confusion become empty dogma that people start paying lip service to? Management is hard. Sigh.....

SeaJAM is coming around again. God, I can't believe that it's my 5th SEAJAM!!!!! I feel old man.

On a separate note, just because L said I would blog about it...

L is gonna be working at my place as a temp. I have promised that he will be worked extra hard. You know, hell and brimstone and the cracking of the whip and all that.

And on that note, it's time to sign off.

Ajantis is just chillin' tonight....

I just had to say this

I love you because....

the thought of the two of us makes me smile
talking to you always makes me happier (99.9999999% of the time)
you stop snoring loudly whenever I poke you in the side
you let me tickle you and laugh evilly even when you are hyper-ticklish and don't like it
we have so much fun together
you do all the chores around the house without complaining
you bring so much richness to my life
every day I think of spending the rest of my life with you across the ocean
you are willing to give up camping cos I don't like getting mud on my shoes
you are romantic in your own un-romantic way
you challenge my opinions and hold your own
we are opposites of each other in the right ways
you have an amazing voice
you cook yummi-licious dishes and bake amazing bread
we both enjoy taking long walks around cities, even if you make me walk through yucky wet markets in Bangkok
you always exchange food with me when my dish accidentally comes with eggs in it
you always find your way for us in strange cities
we both want kids (even if I want 3 and you want 2)
you are my best friend, confidante, and partner all in one
we have a wealth of wonderful memories over the past 7 years

but most importantly, I love you just because.

Johari Nohari

Do this! Do do do! It's pretty cool.....

http://kevan.org/johari?name=ajantis

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=ajantis

Brokeback Mountain

Just saw this movie with a couple of friends, and I wanted to capture my thoughts and reactions.

Several things came to mind

I didn't cry as much as I thought I would. In fact, i only teared up once towards the end? Why? One possible answer ; maybe it's because I've known people like Ennis and Jack who were unable to come to terms with their sexuality. While they didn't end up in as tragic a situation as Ennis and Jack, knowing such people meant that the story didn't impact me as much.

Another possible answer is that it took time for the story and the movie to really sink in. As i was sitting in the cab on the way home, various powerful scenes from the movie came to mind. How the people just kept looking more and more tired as time progressed, how the playfulness and passion between Ennis and Jack faded with each year that passed. There was one scene that seized me ; the contrast between Jack 20 years ago watching Ennis ride off and the present-day Jack, tired and weary-eyed, watching Ennis drive off after yet another argument.

Perhaps that is the mark of a great movie. That you feel affected and touched after the movie. Even now, as i sit down blogging about it, I can't help but feel sadness and empathy for the people shown in the movie. Not just Ennis and Jack, but all the people that they have affected because of their own frustrated love.

Most importantly, I didn't feel like i was watching yet another gay movie, with gay stereotypes and cliches. What was happening between Ennis and Jack felt universal, human, and that was what made it all the more powerful. And it was particularly resonant for me watching Jack and Ennis talking, cuddling, arguing, doing all the things that anyone in any relationship would do.

If you get a chance, go watch it.

Ajantis wants to fly across the ocean right now.

Stressed like a cow

That's the title of my msn messenger at the monent.

Why? Cos i am well and truly stressed. Don't think i've felt this stressed in a while. Not since I overloaded my course schedule while working 20 hours and singing 16 hours a week in acapella groups (and H will tell you that was so not fun -- I was quite irritable and bitchy, to say the least)

But i will be the first to admit that some of the stress is of my own making. I hate leaving things left undone, but that will always be the nature of any job that is not project-based. That said, i do have a crapload of things to do. At last count, I had 8 things to do outside of my core job alone, with a few of them due in the next two to three weeks.

Combined with the fact that my weekends have been burnt due to Chinese New Year events and D&D gaming sessions, along with the upcoming SEAJam camp and other commitments, I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the moment.

But as my friends like to say, that's why i'm paid the big bucks :P

Running and exercise/dancing has become a key part of how i de-stress. So the fact that I pulled a back muscle during performance rehearsal last week only added to the stress, since i had to lay off running and exercise for most of the week. The pull was pretty bad, cos I couldn't even bend my back for about two days. The only good news was that I don't have to do the performance for SeaJam anymore. While it was a bit of a bummer not to perform it after putting in all that effort, it's all for the best since I don't have the same level of body awareness as the other performers, which makes it hard for me to do the fast routines. So not needing to perform the routine, plus a ton of unloading/venting to H (over the phone) and L (over dinner) helped me to de-stress :)

Anyway, things are looking up, even if I still have a shitload of stuff to do this weekend.

Ajantis is back to running again

CNY YNC NYC

Singaporeans just love acronyms.

This past Chinese New Year (note the non-use of acronyms) was an interesting one. Mom pointed out that for the first time ever, I was the one bugging her to go, and the one who wanted to stay a little bit longer.

Guess the reason was cos I had been feeling out of touch with my relatives. Being the eldest cousin by 6 years, I was equally doted upon by all my aunts, and was pretty close to most of my cousins. Fond memories of being called "Kor Kor" as i was growing up.

But I had a very different set of influences from most of my family. Mixing around with classmates who came from a much more upper-class background, going overseas to study... All of these were very different from what my aunts and cousins went through. So it's not surprising that we kinda grew apart over the years. Part of it was that I didn't quite know how to relate to my aunts as an adult, and my cousins were all still in school.

So this CNY turned out to be quite a meaningful one, cos it gave me a chance to connect with some of my aunts and cousins. Got to chat with them a little bit one-on-one, find out what was going on in their lives, catch up a little. Seems kinda ironic that we all live 5 min apart from each other, but the one time I get to talk to them is at Chinese New Year once a year...

I even got to help my aunt with something work-related, which was nice. Helped me to better relate to her as an adult. And I got to play Maple Story (an online roleplaying game, which is a whole another blog) with one of my older cousin, and subsequently chatted with him online (actually, am chatting with him right now :P). Strangely enough, his chatting style is almost completely similar to L's (do all male poly students between the ages of 17-22 chat the same way?)

Anyway, all in all, it was a nice CNY. While the red packets were obviously far fewer, and we didn't get to play "ban lat" (Chinese version of blackjack), I got to catch up with family, relax a little and play a little. That sounds like what CNY should be to me :)

Ajantis is trying to avoid thinking about work

Aching in random places

I am sore. Colleagues noticed me walking like a duck today. Why? Cos somehow my butt muscles have decided to take up arms and rebel against the acrobatics lessons that the lindy hop performance company had yesterday.

Which was a whole another sage in and of itself. Trying to do unsupported handstands, cartwheels, and other stretchy bendy balancy things was not easy, especially for someone who can't even balance on a bike :) Still, i must admit that it was fun in hindsight, and it seems fun even now. It was refreshing to challenge myself to try and do something i had always been terrified of doing before, even if it was with a shoulder strain and a 13+km run the day before. Who knows? I might even try getting back on a bicycle :P

Part of the reason I can't do acrobatics is cos I'm quite inflexible. Well, really REALLY inflexible is probably a more accurate description. So that's something I want to work on. Strangely enough, that's the reason I have problems with ankles and knees when I run. That's what the sports doctor said (yes, i finally managed to make my way to the sports clinic 5 months after hurting my ankle while running :P). So now I have to do lots of stretches every day. Still, it's a relief to finally get a diagnosis and something I can do to make my running injury free.

One thing that struck me was how the sports doctor reacted so differently from my General Practicioner. My GP admonished sternly against running too much, and said I should not run more than 3km at one time. The sports doctor, on the other hand, said it was alright to keep running 10km 2-3 times a week as long as it didn't hurt. Not surprising, given that the sports doctor's goal is to help amateur and professional atheletes exercise in an injury-free way. But still, tells you something about how an organisational vision and mission can shape the way one perceives an issue or problem.

Ok enough about work. Time to go munch on my mom's yummy Chinese New Year tarts.

Ajantis is sated on pineapple.

Run fun bun hun

Couple of random rants.

Why is it that it costs 400 more bucks to go from Singapore-Tokyo-Detroit, instead of Singapore-Tokyo-Detroit-New York!? It seems so ridiculous to fly to New York and back to Detroit for 400 bucks less!

Argh. The vagaries of flight pricing really bug me. And of course, this is all taking place on Northwest (or Northworst) as they call it. Which is descending rapidly into bankruptcy as we speak, taking all my frequent flier miles with it. Ok, I exaggerate, but my anguish stems from the fact that despite having flown to Detroit on Northworst umpteenth times, stupid me has yet to convert ANY of those miles into free flights. So i feel the urgent need to, like some idiotic squirrel, quickly save up and use the miles before they disappear completely.

Just got back from workplan retreat for my department. It was an interesting experience being the most senior person there, that everyone kinda instinctively defers to. Made me feel a deep sense of responsibility for leading the team, but that should sound familiar to anyone who knows me or who has read this blog. The more interesting tidbit is that i think my colleagues all probably think of me as some spasmodic person who likes to make an idiot out of himself. Ok that's pushing it a little bit much, although I have to admit that laughing hysterically while chasing cats into a bunch of my female colleagues in order to make them shriek in panic was a little cruel of me :P No wonder one of my colleagues has told me that I must have been one of those boys who liked to pull the girl's pigtails in class (which is kinda true)

B's wedding was nice, and thankfully un-traditionally Chinese. No tacky ice swans with pink backlighting, no wedding slideshow showing how both partners were destined for each other, no tearful thanking of the parents-in-law for bringing such a wonderful wife/groom/partner(insert) into this world. While it is completely appropriate to thank one's parents-in-law, it seems a bit much to make it seem like they should be thanked for giving birth to someone!

It was sweet to see B and K getting married, and equally sweet to see them sharing their joy with us, especially when they had that first dance. Made me think a bit about what I want at my ceremony (even though we're already married). And H knows what i want. I figured one dance, and one song by H (Billy Joel's And So It Goes). H thinks i'm evil, but i don't think so.... muhahahha.

Ajantis is rubbing his hands with glee.

And the new year arrives

Sounds so cliched, but it's never easy saying goodbye. And you somehow get wiser and sadder as you get older. H and I talked, and we decided that it would be best to start making the move in end 06 for various reasons, but that means not moving till end 09. It was sad that what we agreed to made so much sense.

Seeing H off at the airport is never easy. Well it gets easier when you wake up from 1.5 hours of sleep and work non-stop from 630am till 8pm. Heh.

Bangkok was fun. Walked around a bunch, checked out the malls and shopped my butt off at Chatuchak, which is the one place i enjoy window shopping. Only sucky thing? Didn't get as many thai massages as I wanted, and my digital camera was stolen from H's pocket. Oh well. At least i got a whole new set of outfits :) Gotta go back again sometime

Here's the travel itinerary for this year (tentatively)
- Late Mar - Michigan and New York for 2 weeks
- Mid Jul - Herrang! and Europe for 2.5 weeks
- Late Dec - Singapore with H and either Thailand or Vietnam for 2 weeks

Resolutions for 2006 :
1. Run a marathon
2. Lose 3-4 kg
3. Do more nice things for H

:)

ajantis is zoning